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The ten worst films of 2006

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I watch a lot of movies.

Working for a movie theater, as well as working as the primary film critic for The Rebel Yell, affords me the opportunity to see what I otherwise might not be able to. Or want to. A growing trend I’ve noticed is, rather than focusing on quality, movie studios are churning out crappy movies by the dozens, with a gem being few and far between.

Our movie critic grudgingly rounds up last year’s worst movies

By Ed Kaczynski found at unlvrebelyell.com 
Not even the motherly hands of this woman can save audiences from the Wayans’ brothers film catastrophe, “Little Man.”

 

Rather than waiting a few weeks for something worthwhile to come out, we’re getting three to four releases a week, and the studios are making their money back by relying on people’s boredom rather than producing a quality film.

In other words, a lot of the movies I watch, to put it plainly, suck.

But sometimes a film can be so terrible that it deserves special recognition. The following is a list of movies released this year that are to be avoided like the plague.

I did not manage to see every piece of garbage that made its way out and onto the silver screen (you’ll notice that “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” is conspicuously absent); however, the following titles have garnered this film critic’s top ten list. I present to you, the Ten Worst Movies of 2006.

10.) X-Men 3: Honestly, it’s possible that this movie might not belong on this list as one of the year’s “worst” movies per se, but it is by far the most disappointing. While the first two films were monumentally fantastic, this third one was, at best, forgettable. Of course, when you replace director Bryan Singer with Brett Ratner, you’re going to see a sharp decline in style and substance. I’m sorry, but when your claim to fame is “Rush Hour,” don’t expect to get yourself taken seriously.

9.) Stay Alive: I know, let’s make another clone of “The Ring” only this time it’s a killer Video Game. Even better, people die in real life how their characters die in the game! It gets points for the historical reference (Countess Elizabeth Bathory), but its stereotypical view of gamer culture, saddled with “Malcolm in the Middle” frontman Frankie Muniz was just too lame.

8.) Silent Hill: Yet another videogame-to-movie conversion that managed to be not only confusing and pointless, but amazingly stupid as well. Points for gore could be awarded, but it became so cartoonish that I take back what little praise I can give this. I suppose the only positive this film earns is a well-designed backdrop of the city of Silent Hill. In any other movie, this might serve well enough to add to a creepy atmosphere. Unfortunately, the blood behind my eyes was boiling with anger and frustration at the nonsensical plotline, and I couldn’t appreciate the atmosphere it created.

7.) Let’s Go To Prison!: The trailers for this film were deceptive, and many of the scenes they featured did not make their way into the final cut of the film. That may have been the nail in the coffin for this one, as those few key jokes could have saved this movie from this list.

It had a clever premise and a couple of great lines, but otherwise it was an hour-and-a-half of boring crap. And for some reason, after faking their own deaths, they all escape and establish a toilet wine vineyard together? Did I miss something? I don’t recall drinking while I watched this, so it’s unlikely that I blacked out. This can only mean that someone else messed up, and they just couldn’t think of even a halfway decent ending. Forget this one.

6.) Date Movie: Every once in a while, I would find myself slipping a chuckle from something this movie produced. I mean, hell, it had Eddie Griffin, I had to give it that. Every time he spoke (which was too little), it was hilarious. But the rest of the film was juvenile to the point of being criminal. From two of the six writers of “Scary Movie?”

You know why their names weren’t listed? Because that way they can blame this travesty on the other four – you know, the Wayans brothers. Given their track record the past few years, it’s not out of the question.

5.) The Wicker Man: What the hell was Nicholas Cage thinking? I know he can act; I’ve seen him act. He won an Oscar! And what’s more, he actually deserved it. All I can think is he must have needed the paycheck and didn’t care about doing a good job on a crappy remake. Throughout the entire film, he remained mechanical and emotionless.

The bike he was riding around on the entirety of the movie managed to emote more than he did. Then someone stole the bike. Kudos to keeping to the dark ending, even if they fundamentally changed everything else about the original. Christopher Lee must be rolling over in his grave. Oh, wait, he’s not dead? Sorry, Chris.

4.) School For Scoundrels: Here’s a concept: A comedy that can’t make anyone laugh, while attempting to teach a moral lesson. If this is what a successful comedy is, then great job. Me, I’ll stick with “I’m very serious, and don’t call me Shirley.” Exactly how bad was “School for Scoundrels?” Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” was funnier. David Cross managed to make his way in here, and I STILL couldn’t laugh. Jon Heder proves he can’t pull off a leading role unless it’s “Napoleon Dynamite.”

3.) Miami Vice: I wanted to give Michael Mann credit. After all, he did “Collateral,” which was fantastic. But nothing happened in “Miami Vice.”

Nothing.

I don’t care what people have to say (how the ending made this movie bearable) because I had to wade through two hours of unintelligible garbage to get there.

I have a problem ideologically with any movie that attempts to justify its own horridness by throwing in an ending that doesn’t completely suck. I got into this film for free and wanted my money back. Michael Mann dedicated an entire reel of film to the discussion and consumption of Mojitos. I will repeat this, as it bears repeating. An entire reel of film. Twenty minutes (roughly two thousand feet of film) gone, wasted, never coming back.

Upon its completion, Michael Mann would have better served the film going community by wrapping himself in the film stock like a mummy and throwing himself off a bridge.

2.) BloodRayne: It’s amazing to me that this piece of trite crap didn’t make its way to the number one spot on this list, but that doesn’t give it special consideration. Just because there’s something worse than Uwe Boll’s most recent attempt to eye-rape both moviegoers and videogame fans doesn’t excuse his abuse of innocent film.

This movie was so bad that watching it should be considered both a crime and a punishment.

Kristanna Loken gets topless at one point, but that is, in complete honesty, the only redeeming factor of this entire film.

It even manages to be tasteless for a topless scene.

If you have to choose between losing a finger in a wheat thresher and watching “BloodRayne,” choose the wheat thresher. It’s about as painful, but at least you’ll get it over with quickly.

1.) Little Man: I watched this movie with a friend, and afterward, we made a deal to never discuss this or admit to anyone that we had seen it. However, when I was asked to write this article, I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to honestly do it without bringing this one up.

The odd part about this movie is that someone had to come up with this idea, of a midget posing as a baby.

Not only did they have to have the original thought, but they had to somehow leap to the conclusion that, not only was this a good idea, but would be an acceptable financial risk.

They had to go through all the steps of writing this piece of crap, looking over their finished script and saying, “Yes, this is the best this movie can possibly get. And we’re not going to attempt to do something else.”

I have to believe that along the way, someone had to look over the production and go, “Maybe we should just scrap this and try something else.” This movie was stupid to the point of actually being offensive. It assaulted all five senses.

Yes, it even tasted bad. What the hell has happened to the Wayans Brothers? Were they afflicted with some sort of genetic disorder, which causes previously talented comedians to move on and make crap like “White Chicks” and “Little Man?” Are they pod people? Do they honestly think this is the crap the American audience wants to see? How stupid do they think we are?

Let’s not forget the main character, Calvin Sims (Marlon Wayans). This is quite possibly the scariest looking fake midget-baby-thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been to the Deep South, where people pronounce “toilet” as “turlet.” Watching this movie is akin to cutting yourself with razor blades, and then jumping in a big pile of salt. Whatever good credit the Wayans brothers name had is gone. They’re done. Not even “In Living Color” can save them in my mind.

If a copy of this movie somehow finds its way into your house, burn your house down with “Little Man” inside it. Then gather the ashes, and burn the ashes down, just to be safe.

We have another 50 or so weeks of releases ahead of us. Lets hope that the studios learned something over this last year, or are, at least, willing to challenge the audience with a little meatier fare.

In all likelihood, however, we’re going to see more of the same. Film majors, its time to get out there and start making a difference. Please. For my sake. I don’t know if I can take another year of this.

Comments

I enjoyed Ed's witty review. I agree with his statement that movie studios focus more on quantity rather than quality. Unfortunately the profits these movies make is sending the message that the public could care less about quality. I too hope film majors get out there and start making a difference, Ed isn't the only one suffering.

Posted by Michele at 7:43PM on 1/22/07

Wow, he put Silent Hill and Date Movie in with Little Man. Ouch. Silent Hill through its faults was still a good movie. And Date Movie was dum but very funny.

"Instead of the man of you're dreams. How bout', any nigga?" -Date Movie

Posted by DJ at 1:51AM on 1/25/07
 

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